Do you think this is profound?

Something which upsets me more than terrible lyrics is when artists try to pen something that sounds vaguely significant at first but doesn't really have much to offer. The problem being that it's not painstakingly obvious until you disect them - or let me do it for you.

Take Owl City's 'Fireflies':

"You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep."

You're right, I wouldn't because the lyrics are nonsense!

The Plot

This guy is imagining dancing fireflies - eloquently doing the Foxtrot - in the sky because nothing is "ever as it seems" when he's asleep (hence we called it dreaming like hundreds of years ago). They try to teach him how to dance and he receives thousands of hugs from the lightening bugs before they leave and he gets a bit misty eyed. Don't threat though because he's jarred - yes I mean put in a jar - some of his dreams.

It actually concerns me where the idea would even arise from.

Oh, how I've been waiting to write this one!

This one is certainly straight from the heart - N-Dubz consider the motions of finding the right time to call it a day in 'Say it's over'.

The Plot

N-Dubz's Dappy struggles with telling the girl, who was "number one forever" (bit contradictory), that she's failing to even cut it in the top ten. But it's proving harder than it seems for poor Dappy, who has had enough of f**king girls and going back to her later. So he's going to do the decent thing and tell her before she finds out - particularly because of concerns for her health. What a gent! An empathetic Dappy invites people across the world to relate to the struggles of finding the words to say it's over. But I'm not so sure everyone else makes it quite so hard for themselves! Maybe he should exercise a bit of self-constraint because he really isn't holding back..."I said so I hate having to fake the feeling every time that we get low". And despite the rant; he's still expressing doubt..."I think I like somebody else". He still wants to be friends though - despite having just told her that he thinks of other people when he's f**king her! Optimistic!

I'm sorry to get on the Spice Girls' bandwagon but I think the time has come for a bit of GIRL POWER! Dappy, I am not surprised that your girl is 'all up in your face' because you need to learn a bit of respect!

As far as saying it's over, Job done if you ask me...I think he's pretty much covered all the bases for any reasons why the relationship is over. Bet he's glad he's got that off his chest! Naaa Niiii! (random N-Dubz banter...felt it was appropriate).

Is melody all that matters these days?

N-Dubz's continued chart success is exactly the sort of tragic material which poisons the soup of today's music. 'Say it's over' is the latest in a series of releases from the trio that threaten the success of talented musicians in the charts – forcing the likes of Mumford and Sons’ ‘The Cave’ out of the rankings.

Has it come to signify that the melody is all that matters?

For me, it is the likes of N-Dubz that highlight how an (arguably) catchy melody gets recognition at the expense of a beautiful wordsmith. And, although Radio one’s Official Chart Show is based upon a democratic voting system, it is still demoralizing to see poetic lyrics frequently overlooked. It makes it even harder to understand how others don’t share the same anguish at listening to the likes of these awful N-Dubz lyrics:

“But it just aint the same anymore,

You’re out of my top ten.

This aint good for your health,

And only if you knew,

That every time I’m f**king you,

I think of somebody else”.

It’s not even just the unimaginative lyrics that make me sick – it’s the uninspired topics.

It seems that the noughties have witnessed artists that are producing songs from the dredges of societies’ topical interests. This month saw Lady Gaga and Beyonce reach number one with a song about bad phone reception. I rest my peace!

But I fail to see a shining light for great contemporary lyricists, such as Marcus Mumford, of Mumford and Sons, who struggle in the sea of commercial, audience-pleasing tracks to gain the credit they deserve. The business of producing music that hits a demand for instantaneous, new material means it is rare that a song will have any durability past its so many weeks of chart success.

All I can say is that I welcome the day of refreshing change when I can justify the artists who are placed in the charts.

OMG...yeah, that's what I thought!

Ever the romantics, Usher and Will.I.am show their appreciation of the female form in ‘OMG’.

The Plot

Usher is trying to convince his honey to let him love her down after his sudden realisation “Oh my gosh, I’m so in love”. And he hopes that, by offering his shawty a bit of variety in the bedroom, he can persuade her.

Who said chivalry is dead?

But this is the girl of his dreams, the one he has finally found, she has everything he has ever wanted..."a booty like pow, pow, pow" and "boobies like wow, oh wow". Now, that's the barometer of a good woman!

And if that didn't convince her to fall into his arms, surely the compliments that follow will...

"Girl you something special, you just like dynamite,

You're, You're, You're, You're, You're, You're, You're out of sight."

What a charmer!

But he doesn't stop there, he hasn't managed to display the strength of his affections. Who would have thought the true measure of a man in love is tears.

And to think this is number one, Oh my gosh!

It’s never good when you start a song by singing your own name...

And I’ve still not forgiven Jason Derulo for ruining a beautiful Imogen Heap song in ‘Watcha say’ (you can see where he went wrong just from the title), so his follow up, 'In my Head', was always going to be an instant target for the Lyric Critic.

The Plot

Jason Derulo clearly wants to play to his strengths; as he points out he's not one of those guys who knows all the right things to say. I'll second that...he does say "oh" a fair bit! But instead, he wants to demonstrate he's a good teacher in the bedroom. Clearly he's a confident chap, after all, he knows he has got more to offer than the guy she's already dancing with. So it remains that this girl is doing all the right things in his dreams - fulfilling his fantasies and all that - but I think that's the problem Jason; all the things you're singing about are in his head...

And that’s exactly where they’re going to stay!

They don't make them like they used to.

Well, they do but none quite so celebrated as The Beatles.

'Across The Universe'

Words are flying out like
endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting thorough my open mind
Possessing and caressing me

Jai guru deva om
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world
Nothing's gonna change my world

Images of broken light which
dance before me like a million eyes
That call me on and on across the universe
Thoughts meander like a
restless wind inside a letter box
they tumble blindly as
they make their way across the universe

Chorus

Sounds of laughter shades of life
are ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe

Chorus

Another chart-topper that deserves some recognition…

Poor Iyaz is having girl problems in 'Replay'.

The Plot

So Iyaz is hung up on a girl. He's thinking about her so much that it's like when you can't get a song out of your head (or in his case a 'na, na, na'). But don't take this song on face value - the literary techniques are second to none! I mean the repetition of replay to emphasize that the song is replaying over and over in his head. Brilliant! And this is possibly my favourite use of a metaphor to date; 'That girl is a gun to my holster'. Genius!
So anyway he reminisces a bit about when they met and how his shawty's well-travelled. But this guy isn't going to do things by halves to get his baby girl. So he promises to be her melody and write her the symphony of her fantasies.

I don't know if he won her over but I hope shawty's done something to stop him singing like 'na, na, na'.